Defining success as a mother

Lately I've been thinking about how I'll know, someday when my son is grown and gone, if I was a good mother to him.

I spend my mornings these days doing epidemiological research in geriatric nephrology, which is a fancy way to say that I mess around with huge data sets, trying to coax out new stories about the way kidney disease plays out in the lives of elder Americans. So I do medical research, basically. One of the first things you learn as a medical researcher is that you must be very explicit about outcomes and endpoints. You must be clear, from the begining, about how you're going to measure whatever it is you're going to measure.

So I'm trying, as a thought experiment, to apply the same concept to my mothering.

As a matter of belief -- because I don't have any proof; the idea is controversial on both sides -- I happen to think that parenting has a negligible effect on intellectual development. I don't think there's much parents can do to make kids smarter. I think, chances are, my kid is probably pretty smart. Chances are, he's about as smart as Brian and I are: smart enough to have plenty of choices and opportunities in this life, but likely not a rare genius. And short of locking Sam in a closet for the next 18 years, he's going to be about the same smart. No amount of Baby Einstein, Kumon, oboe practice, flashcards, or whatever other enrichment nonsense is going to transform him into a genius. (I do think parenting affects fund of knowledge, of course. My choices will help my kid learn more stuff. So we're planning to send him to private school and we'll probably do some part-time homeschooling. Because, hey, knowing more stuff is useful. But knowing stuff and being smart aren't the same thing at all.)

But I do think that parenting can affect character development. So that's where I'm going to focus my attention as a mother, on forming my kid's character. I'm making a list of the ways I hope to shape his character. It's a work in progress.

1. Kind. I can't stand mean. If Sam isn't kind, I failed. It's that simple.
2. Disciplined. It's critical that my kid can do stuff he hates, delay gratification, work hard, save money, etc.
3. Humble.
4. Generous. My husband has a tendency to be stingy and I don't like it.
5. Manly. This one is tricky for me, because as a woman, I have only an indirect appreciation of manly virtue. But I know it when I see it, and when I see it, I like it. The heart of masculine virtue, in my opinion, is strength and courage coupled with a sense of duty to protect the weak. There is also an "uncomplainingness" about men that I so admire, a willingness to do the hard job and take the hit and get up tomorrow and do the whole thing over again in service of those they l0ve.

So that's my list. Harvard, Schmarvard. If adult-Sam is kind, disciplined, humble, generous and manly, I've succeeded. I'd love to hear how other mothers are thinking about this issue. What do you hope to teach your kids? How will you know that you've been a good mother?